Tomorrow and Tomorrow

I’m now closer than ever to finally leaving Venezuela and starting a new life abroad — at last, after five long years of trying to do things the “right” way and failing over and over again.

Five years ago, I promised my mother I’d find a way to get my brother outta here and build a better life for him, something she had been trying to do before her fight against the cancer that took her life became the priority.

After five long years of failures a new chapter is about to begin. Nothing has worked out the way it was supposed to be during these past years, but at the end of it, we’re both safe, and that’s what matters.

God willing, in about a month or two I’ll be traveling with my brother to Italy, a beautiful country whose language and culture we were never allowed to be part of by one side of our family — one of the main reasons this was denied to me for all my life until I, devoid of any other alternatives to legally get my brother out, struck a bargain in exchange for the one single document that allowed me to work through all that bureaucracy on my own.

Those Italian passports that we now have are my brother’s current pathway to a new life, as I failed to secure a legal way for me to be able to obtain a work visa while being able to take him with me under my care — it’s a complicated case, and at the end of the day, promises made to my mother on her deathbed do not have legal weight when it comes to consular affairs.

Moving to Italy was never my first choice not because I don’t like the county or anything of the sorts, but it was because, don’t know the country nor do I speak Italian, let alone know people there beyond a few acquaintances, as such, I have no idea where should I even try to land at.

These are things I’ve been sorting out in addition to wrapping up some personal affairs here, something that was temporarily delayed by me getting sick, thankfully, I’m all recovered now.

I’ve always struggled with fitting in and finding my own place in the grand scheme of things, as we didn’t have much of a stability during my youth, had to move to different schools almost every year, and quite simply have always been an outcast.

I’ll work hard to learn about Italy’s customs and culture, fully aware that I may not ever be fully part of it all, but respect towards it is something I’ll never stop giving, at the end of the day, I may be an Italian citizen now, but other than jokes I can’t really say I’m Italian. This is something I’ve always struggled with, seeing as I’m a proud Zulian, yet never been allowed to be fully part of Zulian culture, the same could be said about Venezuela as a whole.

My brother and I have slowly but surely started to learn Italian at our own respective paces, the fact that, like Spanish, it’s a romance language, is quite the crutch for me lol.

To say that I’m excited is an understatement, it’s gonna be a new life, new customs, new language, new time zone, new currency, and so much more.

But, at the same time, I’m anxious and nervous of what tomorrow will bring, and what awaits these pair of barely functional siblings out there. That blend of hope and anxiety, the constant clash of polar opposites, is very much a defining characteristic of my life as a whole.

Right now, I’ve been rather absent from many things both online and irl as I find myself wrapping up my personal affairs here. One of the things involved one of my young cousins, who, long story short, suffered through more than a decade of physical and verbal abuse from my family.

She’s now living here with us, and she’ll get to stay here once we leave the country since it’s not like we can presently sell this apartment anyways (that’s a whole other complicated matter that cannot be easily solved right now).

Her first month here has been like night and day, and she just started nursing school, so I’m giving her all the help and support I can — that much I owe to her father, who died in 2004 of a similar cancer than the one my mom had, dude was like a father to me.

Another very important matter that I’ve spent the past month solving has to do with fixing the State paperwork for this place. I filed everything a couple weeks ago after spending an absurd amount of money in photocopies and printing documents only to get sick one day later, but that’s beside the point.

In about two weeks this should be ready, I may end up having to pay a hefty fine, but I’ll deal with that later, if I have to.

The other major final thing that I have to solve is figuring out where in Italy we should arrive at, and where I can find a place to rent. Since I don’t know anyone there, my goal is to use all those years of micromanaging experience and see if it’s possible to have rent already arranged and paid for before we even board the plane, that way we can move in asap and not bleed my limited budget out in hotel fees while trying to find a place to rent in a country that I still do not speak its language nor know anyone.

About 20 kilograms each, that’s my modest estimation for luggage, with an additional third one that I’ll be filling with more of our clothes. That’s it, that’s all we can take, everything else will stay here.

I’m leaving behind my old computer, my old bed, old video game consoles, and other possessions, but most importantly, I’m leaving behind the pain of everything that I’ve been through, there is no room for that in this trip.

I am extremely worn out and mentally scarred by everything — more so after five years of so many constant failures — but with this new life that I hope to start soon, I aim to start anew, and mend my broken self as much as I can so that I can start enjoying the rest of my life, whatever long that may be.

There is so much I want to do, and so much that I, because of numerous reasons, have yet to do in life. I lived a very secluded and lonely life so far, we had to move from place to place, switch schools constantly due to monetary issues, and that did a number on my already deficient social skills as a kid and teenager — which snowballed into my adulthood and present day.

I don’t expect to be handed everything nor will I make such demands, I’m very aware I gotta work hard to build that good future that I promised my mom I’d provide my brother with. That good future is something I still don’t know what form it’ll take, but I want it to give me the means to not just be able to help others as I’ve always said I want to do, but to build something that I can leave to my brother should I no longer be able to help and take care of him.

I will most certainly continue to reach out to people for insight and information so I can finish sorting the final details out, especially seeking out for recommendations on what areas I should focus on when searching for a place to rent and whatnot.

There is nothing preventing me from ever visiting Venezuela in the future, at the end of it all I do have to eventually see what we’ll do with this place. We can’t sell it right now due to a paperwork conundrum, but at the very least I could try to repair the place up and finish building it.

Perhaps, if God blesses me with success and resources, I’ll partake in a tour around a few countries and finally get to meet all the wonderful frens that have helped, cheered, encouraged, and supported me through these past years.

Until the next one,

-Kal