Hello, it’s been a month since I last posted something, and I’m sorry for the lack of content, it’s been kind of a complicated month, not a bad one on its own, just complicated.
Two months have come and gone, out of the estimated six that, according to the Italian Consulate, would take for our paperwork to be processed before we can move onto the next step. I’ve spent the past month working here and there to put some extra money towards our escape funds, and that’s what kept me occupied most of the mornings.
I’ve also been starting to bring closure to pending affairs here, and wrapping up my admittedly isolated life in Caracas. I’m starting to arrange things with what’s left of my family (while avoiding getting drowned by their respective dramas), and I’ve collected whatever pictures of the past my mom had so that I can begin scanning them for preservation (I can’t bring all those photo albums with me, lol).
There are still some stuff pending that, while important, I just don’t have the desire to sit here and wait until its solved, because I’ll have those passports in my hand long before that stuff is even remotely done, so I’ll have to make arrangements and leave some power of attorneys here and there to solve them in the future.
I’ve also fixed up this banged up 11-year old laptop that’s just like me (factory defective, old, worn, but still gets the job done) as much as possible so that I can have something that at least functions once we travel out of Venezuela — because I will have to leave everything behind.
Perhaps, the stress and unaddressed mental burdens I’ve been dragging on for years have further taken its toll on me in the past month, because, to put it plain and simple, I’ve been feeling like crap for weeks. I’ve been barely sleeping every day and I keep waking up constantly, I feel like crap most of the day and by the time I feel better-ish it’s close to bedtime, so the cycle repeats anew.
I’m attributing this to stress, anxiety, and uncertainty because in a few months, both my brother and I will be starting a new chapter wherever fate sails us towards. I haven’t really done any changes to my diet, unless the copious amounts of bread that I eat have something to do with that, in which case, yeah, maybe.
Be that as it may, I’ve maintained my caretaker role and carried on with my responsibilities to the best of my ability, at the expense of much of what is ‘me’ and yes, even the creative, shitpost-y aspect of me, so that means I’m certainly off-balance, but I’ve struggled to regain balance. I talked about this about a month ago, and I haven’t made much progress in that regard.
My brother’s future wellbeing rests entirely on my shoulders, and all I have to fight with is a paper sword (a fully finished novel draft + outline for an entire series) and soon, a paper shield (an italian passport). I have a few more months to essentially get my shit together and get in a better physical shape, cause I’m going to need that strength.
That’s what leads me to the subject of this post: The constant struggle against uncertainty, the exhaustion of all that’s happened, and the war within against all that and more.
Suffice to say, it has been rough years for everyone across the entire planet, the pandemic, inflation, loss of loved ones, and woes of every kind. In addition to all of that, everyone has their own demons and personal struggles to fight against in that neverending pursuit of happiness — whose shape, taste, and form varies from person to person. You already have all those personal things to contend against, and the bleak situation of it all, often exacerbated by this always-connected world we now live in makes it all the worse, doesn’t it?
In the case of Venezuela, for example, for the longest time, making any plans for the future felt like a futile endeavor. The country collapsed, and we all know the tale of what happened. We segued from one crisis to another in these past years straight into two years of pandemic — and now back to the migrant crisis that wasn’t over, just merely forestalled by COVID lockdowns and travel restrictions.
All of what has happened in this country, and all of what continues to happen is why cases of depression have dramatically surged in Venezuela as of late, and suicide rates continue to be on the rise in this country.
You may finally leave the country, leaving most of your material possessions behind, but that war within comes with you, and it shows, as the of suicide rate among Venezuelan migrants in Colombia during the first half of 2022 is greater than the entirety of 2018’s reports alone.
Like I said, everyone has their own demons to fight against, and of course is not an isolated problem to this country, but a general widespread one across every country and corner of the world.
I myself have struggled with it for the longest time, ever since I was a teenager, and I must confess that I once entertained darker thoughts as I entered my 20s — an old Christmas picture of that time reminded me of those days — and that was long before any of this happened.
It’s a constant struggle, I can tell you that much, I’ve said it time and time again that I’m my own worst enemy and I don’t personally hold myself up in high regard, but what keeps me going when I’m at my lowest is the fact that I have to build a future for my brother, and pay forward my debt to life by helping others achieve their dreams. I just wish I took better care of myself and that I could finally get a good night’s sleep, that’s all.
The prospect that things can and will be better is something that’s easy to lose track of these days, hell, even I have found myself guilty of losing it. I’ll keep trying my best to get in better physical shape, cause that’s the most off-balance part of me right now.
I also want to get back to pushing more content in a consistent manner, be it posts on this site, shitposts, memes, and all that fun stuff that I enjoy doing, because God knows I need to be able to enjoy things again.
As for Sword and my overall Vaifen saga novel project, I will be posting an update soon on how things stand at the moment. Ideally I’d love to get Sword published before I leave Venezuela, or shortly after I do, but more on that later. There’s another draft post of a personal nature that I intend to flesh out over the next few days.
Lastly, I’d like to avail myself of the opportunity to request suggestions as to what you’d like to see on this site. I need to give it a much needed maintenance and soft revamps here and there.
Hopefully, I find myself in a better, healthier state overall in a month because if this keeps going people are going to think I wear mascara around my eyes lmao.
Take it easy, and until the next time,
-Kal
