When I started this year, I did so having effectively lost at any and all attempts to get any kind of visa while taking my brother with me (a complicated affair, suffice to say). One day, when I’m outta here perhaps, I’ll talk more openly about that particular week of November 2021, where everything I had been working towards since 2020 crumbled into dust after a long phone call and a message.
Long story short, all my hopes crumbled catastrophically and I was left defeated, with not much strength left in me.
Towards the end of January, however, the outlook started to look less bleak, and I embarked myself on a journey not just to accomplish new (and some ongoing) goals, but to attain a much needed personal renewal of my body and mind because, I was left very worn out after all I’ve been through.
Over these past months, I’m afraid to say that I once again failed to attain that much needed renewal. I find it very difficult to care for myself, and years of unaddressed self-care are taking its toll on me. This is, by far, one of my greatest personal issues. Instead, I mustered what remaining power and mental capacity I had left and kept going through the grind while fulfilling my responsibilities.
Back in that January post I said that I was waging it all on three things:
– A right of blood: This is what I focused myself the most during the first half of 2022. After a little over four months of endless bureaucracy, of gathering documents, of spending so much money on paperwork, bribery, and whatnot, and after overcoming so many obstacles I finally was able to submit everything and all I have to do now is to wait for our Citizenship applications to be processed so that we can request Italian passports and travel out of Venezuela—the best season finale I could’ve asked for this ongoing comedy show that is my life.
– An old friend’s assistance: Without going much into details, the tl;dr is that I applied for a job, actually won the nomination, signed the actual offer letter, and was about to start working remotely on July 01 while I’d sort out the work visa stuff. Due to a technicality beyond my control, the hiring process had to stop abruptly and I cannot apply for the visa, much less be employed by them at the moment.
You have no idea how much this hurt me, as this job, while technically not being super high paying, would’ve dramatically improved our living conditions like you’ve no idea. There may be some good stuff and new doors opening on the horizon in this regard, for which I’m very optimistic about.
– My Crimson Dream: Sword is back to square one on editing due to circumstances beyond my control. As for Sins, I had to put all work on it on pause so that I could focus on the Consulate paperwork. As of a couple days ago I have finally resumed work on Sins and I’m actively looking for a new editor for Sword.
So, some great victories, some resounding defeats, and some minor setbacks, that pretty much sums my life these past six months.
But, there’s the ongoing issue of me needing to repair myself, both physically and mentally. I must confess that I’m going through a severe burnout right now, and my health is less than stellar—nothing serious, just stress related complications, made worse in recent days due to some family affairs that I have no part of (and I very much intend to keep that way).
If I were to pretentiously describe myself, I’d say that I’m a creature constantly dancing between chaos and order. I’m the result of harmonized opposites, a rather flimsy conciliation of warring elements, a quintessential piece that never quite fits right anywhere, and very much poorly made.
And sure, I can concede that perhaps, I’m a little insane in my own way. These past years have scarred me mentally in many ways, and it’s a miracle I haven’t snapped. There’s so much lingering mental burdens that I haven’t addressed at all that go all the way back to my childhood, because the way I see it is that I can’t let them stop me, I have to endure these burdens and keep going—more so now that a pathway out of Venezuela is being processed.
But the truth of the matter is that I’ve felt completely burnt out this month, and I’ve been on autopilot for most of the days outside of my brother’s birthday, for which I gave him the best of days that I could (burgers, donuts, cake, and some booze). I’m not really sleeping well, and migraines are often and abundant, hell, I seem to be waning weight despite eating less.
The burnout is the same one I had been experiencing from late November 2021 to late January 2022, I just managed to forestall its effects for a few months with the whole Italian Consulate paperwork preparation. But now that I’m on a sort of ‘summer lull’ the mental burnout is back, harder than ever—and I even feel a bit embarrassed by it, because it’s affecting my ability to generate content.
Now that I’ve finally solved 34+ year old pending affairs at the Italian Consulate and have carved a pathway towards starting a new life (if only it’s initial ‘now can travel out of Venezuela’ step, as I’d still have to find a more permanent visa solution) I need to defeat decades of own neglect and work on resharpening my mind and getting my body in shape if I’m to continue and fulfill my promises of paying forward all the help I’ve received tenfold.
The problem is that it’s been many, many years of neglecting the health of both body and mind, and I don’t know how to start repairing myself, to the point that I feel overwhelmed by it. Be that as it may, this burnout cannot and will not stop me on my daily duties of taking care of my brother and whatnot.
As such, any and all recommendations and suggestions in this regard are more than welcomed. Furthermore, since I’m a bit blank right now with what content would you like to see here, I’m open to those suggestions as well. Do you want me to do something related to a specific topic in Venezuela? Something of a personal matter? Video Games? Just let me know, you’re the boss!
In a few weeks/months I’ll be receiving an email that’ll allow me to request Italian passports for my brother and myself. I hope that by then I’ll be feeling much better both mentally and physically by then, and I’ve been able to attain a routine that helps me with this regard.
Thanks for sparing some of your time into reading these personal ramblings/life updates of mine, I really appreciate it.
Until the next one,
-Kal
