Back in July I once again talked about the subject of my longstanding fight against depression — a symptom of roughly two decades of underlying and unaddressed personal stuff.
It’s always been a rollercoaster, sometimes it’s not that noticeable and doesn’t affect me much, other days it feels like I’ve hit rock bottom. Other than a brief period in mid-2009 back when I was 21 I haven’t talked to a mental health specialist about it, there just never was the time, and I’ve never been one to care much about myself, big flaw of mine, I know.
August started to be very troublesome for me when it comes to depression. I was already halfway through a new relapse cycle when one Thursday afternoon, after having a very good lunch with brother — where we “made up” a “new” pasta sauce recipe — he started bleeding through his left ear after using a Q-tip.
Long story short, I took him to a hospital in a different town, they cleaned it up, and told us to return the following day. He had a breakdown and started crying, he was scared that he’d lose his hearing — mind you, he for some reason does not remember much from his life before the brain surgery he had more than 10 years ago, and his recovery wasn’t exactly according to plan, got some bullying because of his scar at school that didn’t helped either. Then my mom’s cancer diagnosis a couple years later, her death, and you also gotta factor his mental condition as well, so…
We returned the following day, he got prescribed antibiotics. He was very downtrodden on the following days, and had another breakdown when we were heating up pizzas in the oven and he slipped his.
His ENT appointment (in a town way further from where we are at) was on August 7, doctor pulled several wax stones from both ears, and he was instantly feeling much better. Then the next day he had some discomfort from the overnight antibiotics, and was freaking out.
After all that something changed, and having finally overcome that ordeal, he once again became more outspoken, proactive — and most importantly, he started smiling again.
His joy also clicked something in me, and the clouds on my head dissipated for the first time in weeks. This led to some introspection, as I want to keep that good feeling lasting for as much as possible.
The way I see it, this on and off depression is being fueled by:
Regret and guilt from past mistakes, such as flunking college, not pursuing a career, and my boring, unremarkable teenage years as an isolated outcast, years that I’ll never get back. But most importantly, the sense that I failed to save my mom, I haven’t been the same since March 31, 2018, the day she died.
The loneliness, I’m a fat ugly retard, simply put. I’m very honest with that, hell even some of my teeth aren’t properly developed, which is why I spare you from seeing my ugly ass face lol. I’ve always been alone, and that’s starting to take its toll on me. I’ve also had this lingering sensation that I’ve missed so much, no grand teenage adventure, no vacations since 1999, it’s just been one marathon after the other.
The burnout from Venezuela, which dozens of millions of other Venezuelans also suffer from.
The isolation and lack of sense of belonging to a place. I have a penchant for duality, and that also translates to my life, dual citizen and all. And yet, I’ve never felt like I’ve belonged to a place. Zulia, my birthplace, has its own culture, but I only got to live there for a couple years, so I never got to embrace its heritage. I was never fully part of Caracas’ culture either, and now I’m a stranger in a strange land despite being a citizen of Italy. I presently don’t know much Italian either, so that’s more fodder to the flame.
A need to find my own place in the world, which, in a way, sums up all of the above as well.
So, rather than continuing wallowing in self-pity, I’ve started to tackle these issues in the only way I know: establishing myself daily schedules as if I was still in school.
For the past three weeks or so, right after my brother regained his joy and I started feeling better by osmosis, I started to do 20-30 minutes of DDP Yoga, something I kept fumbling at over and over.
This is the most consistent I’ve been at it ever, and I’ve reached strides of 5-6 day streaks, followed by a day of rest. I’m still in the beginner levels, and struggle with some poses, but I’m starting to finally reap some rewards from my newfound consistency. I’m still fat, yes, not gonna lose 20 kilograms overnight, that’s not how things work, but I feel some improvements in my arms and legs, I get tired much less now, and even my posture feels straightened up. I’ve been doing these after work. Once I have some more strength I’ll start throwing some other exercises.
I’ve also retaken work on my passion project, Sword of Vaifen, going through the draft for the first time in three years. I’m not making big changes, just changing some stuff here and there. After three years, my grasp of grammar has vastly improved, and I want the final version to reflect that. I’ve been working on it an hour or two every day before work. I resumed work two weeks ago or so, and I’m about a third done.
In addition, there was this project I worked on for about a year during the lockdowns that went nowhere. Essentially, I was given the proposal to work on a book project narrating the events of Venezuela. I’ve begun some initial steps to resurrect this project but from a more personal perspective, less stats and numbers, and more stories of the country from my point of view, that of a social outcast. More on this later.
Last, but not least, making silly jokes and memes, because being able to make others laugh and smile is good for the soul.
The loneliness, isolation, and rudimentary Italian is something I don’t have much progress on, I’m afraid. New Italian language courses should begin in the area in September, so here’s hoping. I do need to meet new faces, see new places, and finally experience and joy that which people call life.
As for a vacation, which God knows I desperately need, now that I know how much I have to pay in taxes and social security next year, well… let’s just say that’s off the table for now. Whatever money I save has to go towards that first and foremost, then towards an editor for Sword, cover art, and all that. Then perhaps I can start saving for a cheap vehicle, once I can get an Italian drivers’ license sometime next year.
Every now and then I have some small stumbles and brain worms, especially at night, when the intrusive thoughts try to breach through once again, but if I’m to fulfill the 2nd half of the promise I made to my mom (build a better life for my brother after getting him out) I have to keep fixing myself up. I feel like in these past three weeks I’ve made more progress than the past six years.
I can’t undo nearly two decades of depression struggles and its consequences overnight, but I feel that finally I’m taking some steps in the right direction.
-Kal
